Exploring layers of trauma that have been transmitted socially, politically, spatially, and intergenerationally

Tags: Abuse, Physical Assualt, Sexual Assault, Sexual Violence, Rape, Domestic Violence, Terrorism, Trauma

When I was growing up my father tried to encourage me to do things like eat the fat and grizzle off my steak because it “puts hair on your chest” my sister would obey. I never did. As far as females would go, who would want hair on their chest. But my sister would comply. She gobbled it up happily. They said it tasted like butter. He would also encourage aggression like a crowd would cheer for an opponent in a fight. Being who my father was, male aggression was admired and he encouraged it in us, but I was less aggressive than my sister. My sister would sup up the reward and admiration bestowed for it and after observing, experiencing, and then acting out aggressive behavior my family’s cultural ethos was slowly distilled. I was depressed in childhood, withdrawn, quiet. I retreated into myself. I now understand the phrase “abuse-related incapacity” because I had become self-withdrawn.

Now I am 52, soon to be 53, and I find myself in a toxic relationship with my twin sister, my mother, and my sister’s boyfriend. After allowing me to live here in my mother’s house with my 86-year-old mother, I was told that I have to take care of her. I have no income or spousal support. So, my sister had agreed to let us use the American Express card for groceries and necessities. But then I am made sick for using it! They are using electronic targeting against me for accepting their help. Yet, I’m still expected to care for my mother and attend to her needs while being abused with electromagnetic frequency. So, who is using this technology on us? Who is causing us pain? We are being watched and I don’t think my family is the only one involved in my stalking. They shoulder some of the blame, they shoulder some of the responsibility for the abuse that is perpetrated against me but there are other men out there that may be working with them. I don’t know?

Being in a relationship with my sister is like being in a funhouse where there are constantly shifting floors and walls. You never know where you stand because at any moment a wall can shift and you find yourself in another room. The rules change arbitrarily. I was told I had to act as a servant to my mother while periodically being abused by the three of them. I was told I could live here, take care of my mother, help her with breakfast, bathing and washing, cleaning and cooking, grocery shopping, and lawn care. And as a token of appreciation, I would get $5.00 a day for a little alcohol. Not a healthy habit, I know. Then someone started harming me with electromagnetic frequency and it forced me to cope using alcohol every day. If I could have drunk more, I would have and that is something that was a major change from my previous behavior. Of course, I would drink before all this started happening but it was never hard alcohol. It was maybe 3 to 4 beers of my favorite beer or 3 to 4 glasses of my favorite wine 3 times weekly. After studying psychoanalysis, I am in a better position to understand the mechanizations that have contributed to, not only my own pathology but to other family members’ pathology.

Then my sister and her boyfriend came to my house when my son was in the 9th grade and they took him out of the house because I couldn’t provide adequate space for him. They are abusive people but because they had wealth, a large home, fine cars they were perceived as being “upstanding citizens.” The kind of people the federal government would want to hire because they pay their bills, own homes, have cars, own credit lines, and pay their taxes. But wealth is not an indication of moral standing. Abusive people produce underachievers and instill a sense of defeat and failure because they DON’T ENCOURAGE, THEY DON’T SUPPORT, AND THEY CERTAINLY LACK ANY REAL CONCERN OR EMPATHY FOR ANOTHER’S WELL BEING. And although my sister and her boyfriend can help provide my son assistance, I feel he may not be in a safe place. Because she tells me all the time, “He’s just like you!” And I’m her little tool, her little plaything she gets to manipulate and exploit because she can. They tell people, “I’ll help you.” That’s what she told my mother and me and then, the floor and walls shifted, they get angry and act out against us because we are their “sycophants” for needing their help. They don’t know how or maybe don’t want to help people figure out a plan to be self-sufficient, they want you to be dependent on them, or on alcohol, so they can manipulate you. It’s the game psychopaths play.

I have been abused, sexually, physically, and emotionally and while this is all going on, they want to “fix” me while I am being abused. Is this not the very abuse that is perpetuating the previous abuses in the first place? I have been raped several times in my life and somehow it has just been perceived as “it’s what men sometimes do.” On this particular night, they were experimenting with electromagnetic frequency and sleep to sedate me. I know they were experimenting on me because I started to dream vividly. I fell asleep one night while my son was staying overnight at my sister’s and I woke up in the morning with vaginal soreness. I had not been drinking the night before because this was at a time, I didn’t drink every day. I was much thinner and younger then and one might say I represented as a symbol for “aesthetic sexual beauty.” I am certain I had been violated the night before but because I was unconscious, I don’t remember anything that happened. This has happened to me before with men I would date, but never in my own home. Women can be used as vehicles and/or “lent out” for sex and payment. I’m fairly certain this happened on one occasion with a particular guy I was living with at the time but what happened in my home that night? Was I “lent out” for payment?

There are a group of people at Shop-Rite. When I arrive in the store, at first, I don’t feel anything, but then five minutes after I arrive, I feel electromagnetic frequency turned on. Is it someone working at the store turning on the frequency or is someone following me? It also gets turned on when I sit down at my lap-top, and this I feel has something to do with what I have chosen to study; psychoanalysis, object relations theory, and abnormal psychology. I’ve noticed a direct correlation between the electromagnetic frequency I’ve been experiencing and my wireless router. The implants, I have two, that are located in my body seem to respond to electromagnetic fields; cellular broadcasting signals. These signals cast a signal and make me feel tired so I don’t want to move around. As a result, I lay down in bed and have become sedentary like my 86-year-old mother.

Google Earth not only records street and road information but also records the IP address of wireless routers. This is done so that when Google interacts with people, they can associate an IP address to a location. I’m fairly certain the implant in my lower abdomen acquires wireless signals but I don’t know how because you need a password to access services. The other implant in my head, I don’t know if it acquires wireless signals or if it is turned in to a certain frequency like a two-way radio that transmits audio.

Despotism creates an atmosphere for revolution. It is like John F. Kennedy said, “Those who make a peaceful revolution impossible make a violent revolution inevitable.” Through the repeated denial of rights, usurpations of power, and acts of dehumanization by those in power cause the manifestations of hate speech and the development of political ideologies that are the foundation of violent revolutions. There is a reason why a small number of battered women kill their abusers. It has happened at various times to despotic tyrants in human history.

I’m screaming at my family because that is what they do to me. They come into my home and act aggressively towards me like an abusive intimate partner. Issuing aggressive demands, “Give me $500.00.” When I say, “No. I can’t give you $500.00, I can give $300.00.” They respond with even more aggression, “No. I want $500.00.” If this goes on long enough it causes me to start acting like them through arousal and transference a screaming match ensues. It is as we have exactly witnessed with Donald Trump and his hate speech and rhetoric. It caused arousal and transference of the symbolic relationship and they acted with aggression as they moved into the Capitol building.